The gift of freewill

Maybe I am just late to the party and the rest of you have already figured all of this out. If so, so be it. But man, it feels good to have arrived at this party. Let's say I'm fashionably late, and this is essentially an open letter to myself.

For some reason, with this gift of freewill I create pressure.

Ideas, goals, achievements, wants

There are things to be achieved, places to go, means of growth to experience!

I want to live in Australia, go to Portugal, Indonesia, Morocco, Iceland, Spain, and the list goes on. I want to cross deserts and climb mountains! I want to fall in love. I want to have my very own home. I want to live on a sailboat and surf all the time! I want to be successful! I want to be free. I want people to think I am good! I want to be self-sufficient and make all my own money. I want to be a great surfer, surf big waves and get barreled. I want to make positive change in the world! I want to be a good writer. I want to create interesting art. It goes on.

Want, want, want.

The kicker is, the more I experience the more I want.

The things I once wanted, and now have, are often forgotten.

It becomes insatiable. Now having explored various incredible places I want to be in all of them at once; such that the one I'm currently in is no longer enough.

Is this insatiable desire for more just inherent in the human condition?
Is it my individual conundrum of ingratitude? Does it derive from living in a society that pushes an agenda of all consuming growth? One that capitalizes on our dissatisfaction with life and the self, especially in the age of social media.

How far is the next goal post? I yell it into the abyss.

I've been trying to outsmart the whole run-around recently. Maybe I can do it all. How do I make this all work? How do I do it all, become everything and enjoy it?
I get anxious. I create pressure.
Do more now! Become more now!

Why am I so tired?

Why do I want these things? What happens if I don't achieve these things? If I never experience them?

Nothing.

Nothing happens and everything will be okay. I will still be me and I will be no lesser for it - these experiences will not grant me the self-satisfaction and self-actualization that I'm looking for. There's no end goal or objective that acts as a fast track to fulfillment.

What if I listened when saying that you already are the essence of all the things that you desire.

There are just different pathways, different life times.

I went to a dinner a few weeks ago, I only knew the host (we had met very briefly once before). There were a few people that I didn't meet until the end of the night as I was saying goodbye, for which I apologized.

One of them gently took my hand, "in another lifetime, darling!" They exclaimed. They were gleaming, joyous. It's not all for this lifetime.

Give yourself permission to enjoy and experience the one you're in. Let go of the ones you're not experiencing. You're not failing if you loosen your grips on pre-existing dreams. This isn't to say that we should all stop dreaming, but its ok to let go of some if it grants you peace in the present. I am absolutely not going to stop trying to get barreled (keep the core dreams alive).

Be grateful, zoom out and remind yourself of each thing you've already experienced and accomplished no matter how small.

It's ok to exist as we are. We are already all that we need. Cultivate peace within life as it exists presently, slow down.

Ask, how can I show up for those in my life today? In this present moment.

How can I practice gratitude?