Sometimes Exploring Hurts
Lessons in Freedom
It is not all rainbows and butterflies.
I spent enough time trying to curate everything; put this perfectly here, do this then always! Stay away from that, don’t let anyone see too close! Manage, control. Trying to ensure everything was in place so that there could be no hurt. Nothing would get me, no one was allowed in. I was in my bubble, and I was working very hard at it. I was going to stave off all the bad feelings! All the bad in the world actually! Surely it would work if I did everything perfectly, right?
I spent so long spinning internal circles, curating the walls which would save me from the hurt.
I took off exploring last September, it’s been a weird year since, one of the more challenging. It feels like a blindfold has been ripped off, over and over again. A pouring in of information, of experience, of life. I was trying to keep it out, I was trying to keep it all perfect, it was up to me and me alone.
I have unwillingly learned that we have no control. And experiencing whatever that brings is more fun with friends. (Let them in).
This year has been so freeing as I’ve relinquished control, slowly, sometimes painfully. Peeling it off like sticky Band-Aids, some big, some small. Unstacking brick, by brick, and sometimes quickly restacking. There has been hurt (more than I would’ve liked), but asking for freedom and getting what you ask for isn’t always pretty. Freedom doesn’t always come easily.
And see, what I had been failing to realize was that keeping out the “bad” also kept out the good. There has been a pouring in of so much good that I didn’t even know existed.
Sometimes there is a breaking down of internal barriers you didn’t even know you held. Ones that kept you so secure in self identity. These invisible, forgotten walls. Made up through our patterns, habits, thoughts.
What are your walls? What holds your identity? How would it feel to change it? To relinquish control.
Hurt takes many forms, many shapes. Different degrees, different outcomes.
It is the risk of exploring, I’ve found this openness to be the only option unless I wish for my bubble to stay small, tight, controlled, compressed, static. So, hurt is not always “bad”, unpleasant yes, “bad” maybe not. Maybe it is an integral part of this growth we all seem to want. And yes, sometimes we must steady and rest to lick our wounds.
It is ok to feel hurt for your own actions. Sometimes, in the hard parts it can be helpful to remind ourselves of that. Sometimes, it is also helpful to remember that we usually don’t want to hurt each other, sometimes it is not conscious, sometimes we are stuck in our unfreedom.
Can we commend ourselves for trying? Give love to ourselves for exploring? Even when it hurts and no good is to be seen along the horizon. (It is coming though).
Allowing ourselves to explore is how we maintain our youth, maintain our energy. It is important to explore safely, consciously. It is lovely to explore in partnership, with friends, lovers, family, and whoever else we encounter.
Trust that the hurt is leading you where you want to go, or where you are meant to go. Trust that it will leave you more free, even if you do not understand it just yet.
What practices, ways of thinking, actions, and patterns do you hold onto for “safety”? Which are still serving you? Which can be let go of?
What are you ready to explore?
